The problem with boundaries
Have you ever left an interaction with someone feeling depleted, triggered, or resentful?
You used to laugh together, swap stories and explore new places. But now you’re left wondering whether they like you at all, and if they do, why does it feel so shit to be around them?
I used to have such porous boundaries, I’d let anyone into my life with open arms and heart. And whilst that has often been such a blessing, I’ve also learnt the hard way that my boundaries were TOO porous. Whilst it’s nice to be open and warm, some people will cosy up to your heat until you’re left out in the cold, confused by their suddenly hostile behaviour when they’ve taken all you have to give.
On the flip side, there are people who are so RIGID with their boundaries, it’s impossible to get in the fortress they’ve built around themselves. They likely crave connection as much as the rest of us, but as the song goes, “you’ve built your walls so high, no one can climb them”.
The key, as with most things in life, is in finding balance.
With healthy boundaries, we can welcome new people into our lives - whether friends, colleagues, or romantic relationships - without letting the new relationship consume us. Just like we might protect our hearts when we start dating, we must also give people time to reveal their true selves before we become too intertwined.
Things to be conscious of in our connections:
Suddenly spending ALL of your time together, forgetting about other priorities and people.
Always acquiescing to the other person’s preferences
Underhand comments or passive aggressive behaviour, often so subtle that no one else notices
Lack of authenticity- they change their personality and preferences depending on who they’re cosying up to
Why are we spending time with this person, is it because we genuinely like them, their values and how they make us feel? Or, is it because we’re lonely, bored, and in need of validation?
A connection doesn’t have to be “toxic” to be bad for you. On tv and social media, we see such black and white versions of what positive vs toxic relationships look like, that we don’t often think to explore the grey area.
But when you find yourself mentally psyching yourself up before an interaction, or left in a stupor from some sly comment for days afterwards, your body is likely telling you that your nervous system doesn’t feel safe around someone.
Any decent human being wants to believe that, “they’re having a bad day, they didn’t mean to be so mean, maybe I’m just being sensitive”. But sometimes, we have to realise when a relationship is more detrimental than supportive, that it has likely come to its natural conclusion.
For me, as an ICF certified coach, it all comes back to our own feelings of self worth. If we truly believe that we are worthy of being loved, respected and treated kindly (as every human should be), we start to recognise when it’s time to walk away gracefully.
This is NOT a post to say, “cut everyone out” - we all have our moments of saying the wrong thing, or being a bit flaky. Instead think of it as inspiration; to be more open and vulnerable with the people in our lives, to talk to people with curiosity when they hurt you, and when it’s clearly not working out, know that this relationship was perhaps just for a season, not a lifetime.
